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They alleged it the Pomnishambles. That was the affable stuff.

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England set off for the 2013-14 Ashes in Australia best in 13 Tests, accepting captivated the urn for added than 1,500 ceaseless days.

Their opponents had been baffled seven times in their antecedent nine Tests.

In the amplitude of two months, Alastair Cook's aggregation were burst apart. In the Test alternation they were thrashed 5-0, accident all 100 accessible wickets for the aboriginal time in a five-match series.

One key batsman was beatific home with a stress-related illness; a analytical bowler retired; their best amateur would never cull on an England shirt again.

It was the adversity bottomward under, the winter of our dismemberment. A aggregation who had gone to cardinal one in the apple would never be the aforementioned again.

This is the central adventure of that adverse tour, told by those who were at the affection of it. It is not appealing - unless you are Australian, of course.

England had able for the antecedent Ashes bout with a aggregation cossack affected in the forests of southern Germany, camping out in the asperous and hiking with artery in their backpacks. In September 2013 they were beatific on addition aggregation bonding exercise - this time to Stafford, in the West Midlands.

Boyd Rankin, England seamer: "We were accomplishing some surveillance of terrorists. Or they were set up as terrorists.

"We were breach up into groups. Anniversary accumulation had to chase a accurate guy annular Stafford. It was a bit strange. We seemed to absorb a lot of time in cars. We were told to alloy in with our environments, so it apparently didn't advice that I was 6ft 8in."

Graeme Swann, England spinner: "We had to go into pubs and accumulate tabs on a suspect. I'll never balloon Matt Prior, cutting an England cap with three lions on it and an England jumper, aggravating to surreptitiously adjustment a pint of baptize while watching a adolescent at the added end of the bar.

"People were advancing up to him - 'here mate, are you Matt Prior? Can I accept your autograph?'

"It was a shambles. We sat in a Morrisons car esplanade for 15 hours a day in a appoint car. I hated every minute of it."

England landed in Perth aloof weeks afterwards acceptable a home Ashes alternation 3-0. But there were problems ambuscade beneath the surface.

They hadn't had an aperture affiliation of added than 50 in any aboriginal innings of a aboriginal Test in their accomplished 14 series. They hadn't fabricated it accomplished 400 in a distinct one of their antecedent 17 innings.

Alastair Cook (aged 28 at alpha of tour), James Anderson (31), Jonny Bairstow (24), Gary Ballance (24), Ian Bell (31), Stuart Broad (27), Michael Carberry (33), Steven Finn (24), Monty Panesar (31), Kevin Pietersen (33), Matt Prior (31), Boyd Rankin (29), Joe Root (22), Ben Stokes (22), Graeme Swann (34), Chris Tremlett (32), Jonathan Trott (32)

Then there was the bowling. In their aperture bout match, a blemish Western Australia Chairman's XI ran up a first-innings absolute of 451-5 declared.

One fast bowler, Chris Tremlett, went wicketless for 88 runs. Another, Steven Finn, took 1-123. And as for their talismanic spinner…

Swann: "I went over there actual nervous. In the aftermost Test of the summer at The Oval, I'd had a complete accident of activity in the fingers of my bowling hand. I got out there atrocious to comedy in the aboriginal countdown bout in Perth to prove to myself that I was OK.

"I went to [team director] Andy Flower and was told, you can't, we're not activity in with what we appetite the Test aggregation to be. It's a bowl-off amid the fast men.

"I had to basin in the nets, and I bethink bowling a brace of double-bouncers and a beamer at Alastair Cook because I couldn't feel the ball, and him attractive at me and animated nervously."

Australia's Mitchell Johnson had concluded the agnate Ashes alternation three years afore as a amount of fun - aircraft 554 runs in four matches, clumsy to ascendancy his line, bowled for a aureate avoid as England closed a 3-1 win in Sydney.

The Barmy Army had their old song all accessible to go. Except article had changed.

Swann: "Word came from the one-day alternation in backward summer 2013 that Johnson was bowling rockets. And aback your batsmen are adage someone's bowling quick... I've never heard that in an England bathrobe allowance before."

In that aperture Test in Brisbane, afterwards Australia had been bowled out for 295, Johnson was brought on to bowl. His aboriginal six overs went for 32, generally a connected way bottomward leg side.

But in his third spell, from annular the wicket, he was transformed. In 13 generally unplayable balls, he took three wickets for two runs.

Mitchell Johnson, Australia fast bowler: "You apperceive the song is advancing - so I aloof sang Frozen in my head! A blessed song. Let It Go…"

Chris Rogers, Australia opener: "We had acquainted adamantine done by to lose 3-0 abroad from home. But we had some acceptable affairs for aback in Australia, and the guys were appealing motivated.

"In the one-day series, Johnson had hit Jonathan Trott on the helmet, and we spotted that Trott was closing off to that brawl aimed at his larboard shoulder.

"When Mitchell got Trott bent bottomward the leg ancillary in Brisbane, that was the watershed moment - we knew from there that we could win the series.

"Then Kevin Pietersen begin it so quick that he approved to comedy the cull shot, was about bent at accomplished leg and afresh was bent at accomplished leg. It takes article appropriate to bang that blazon of player. Once that happened we knew we had the weapons to beat them."

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In the amplitude of 53 afflictive mid-afternoon minutes, England absent six prime wickets for nine runs. From a position of abundance at 82-2, they were accursed out for abandoned 136.

In their additional innings, they absent four wickets for nine runs. Johnson took nine wickets in the match. England absent by 381 runs.

Monty Panesar, England spinner: "We underestimated Johnson. Maybe we got too assured that the Barmy Army song was actual - he does basin to the left, he does basin to the right. And he absolutely accepted all of us wrong.

"I acquainted in training we didn't adapt for Mitchell at all. Even afterwards Brisbane we thought, this could be a one-off. He's got one acceptable spell in him, he won't acquisition his accent all series, he's activity to accept a bad game.

"But he didn't. He kept accepting stronger and stronger. He absolutely got quicker. And that was the aberration in the accomplished alternation - the Johnson factor."

Trott had hit three centuries in his aboriginal bristles Tests adjoin Australia. In the antecedent alternation bottomward beneath he had averaged 89.

All that was gone. Afterwards actuality hit by Johnson in the one-day alternation he had been pulled out of the abutting bout afterwards adversity a agitation attack. A adamant man was on his knees.

Swann: "It was actual uncomfortable. It was adamantine to take. I adulation Trotty to $.25 - he's consistently been a bedrock at the top of the order.

"He should never accept gone on the tour. I don't see how you can booty addition if you accept doubts. Brisbane is a cauldron. It's feral, the atmosphere. They put the ICC signs up adage no sledging on the base of race, gender or animal orientation. And afresh appealing abundant accumulated that gets said to you is based on all three.

"You could see he was absolutely disturbing mentally. From a egocentric point of view, I didn't appetite to be in the aforementioned allowance as him, because I didn't apperceive how to accord with it."

James Anderson, England fast bowler: "He was in a absolutely bad abode and acutely had to go home. But that does agitate the team."

Johnson was abandoned aloof accepting started. In the additional Test in Adelaide, he took bristles England first-innings wickets in three overs. In 26 assurance he took 6-16. There was a triple-wicket beginning and two abstracted hat-trick balls. England absent by 218 runs - and the cracks aural the aggregation began to open.

Swann: "The capital acumen we got formed in that alternation was the abridgement of bluntness in the team. We sat bottomward and talked afterwards Brisbane and all said, 'That angle is the quickest angle in the world. It'll be altered in Adelaide.'

"And afterwards we absent in Adelaide - on an English pitch, a apathetic one - none of our batsmen were saying, 'We don't apperceive how to comedy Johnson.' They were all saying, 'We accept our plans; we're aloof not active them right.'"

Panesar: "We had a aggregation affair afterwards the additional Test. There were a few disagreements. The coaches acquainted that if Johnson was bowling rockets and alarming the top adjustment away, the basal adjustment weren't advantaged to comedy their shots. They had to dig in.

"But as a tailender, aback someone's bowling like that, you don't adorned afraid around. You appetite to comedy a few shots. You don't adorned rockets advancing at you. That's the top six's job."

The slowest of Johnson's six wicket-taking deliveries on the Saturday was clocked at 89.1mph, the fastest - the one that slapped bottomward Anderson's boilerplate butt - at 93.5mph.

So butterfingers were England's recognised batsmen of attrition that, in the aboriginal innings, cardinal 11 Panesar survived three times as abounding deliveries as seven of his team-mates.

Anderson: "Graham Gooch was the batting coach. He was aggravating to advice bodies with altered techniques of how to face him. But whatever we approved didn't assume to work."

Rankin: "It was a aberrant abode to be. Sitting in the bathrobe allowance and attractive around, some of the comments that were advancing out from the chief players, it acquainted like we had accustomed up afterwards that point, afterwards day two of the additional Test.

"Watching these players for years on television before, that was a bit strange. You're arena in an Ashes series, and you're aggravating to accord it your all, so you don't like to apprehend those comments. It opened my eyes.

"It acquainted like they didn't apperceive what to do about Johnson. I bethink somebody said, 'I'm not abiding I'm at the races, I ability be bigger packing it in'."

Panesar: "Verbals were exchanged. At times it was heated. Andy, Graham got involved. The chief players didn't accede with assertive ideas.

"There were issues that weren't acclimatized in that meeting. The onus activity to the top six - that they should apprentice to break in longer, they couldn't apprehend the lower adjustment to bond them out every time. Jimmy, Broad, Swanny, arduous the batters. It was how can we annul Johnson and account some runs, and what answers could be found. And we couldn't acquisition the answers."

Swann: "In the aggregation affair I said, 'If we don't accept this adolescent has got the absolute over our eyes, a quick left-arm and we don't apperceive how to comedy it, we'll lose 5-0.

"It was about like a finger-pointing session. Gooch had a go at me and Broady for not scoring abounding runs. And as Stuart acicular out actual succinctly, we go in at eight and nine for a reason. If we go in at 300-6, we'll get you addition 100 runs. If we go in at 80-6 and Johnson's abandoned bowled three overs, we're not, mate.

"And that wasn't taken well. 'Don't accusation our batsmen, it's your fault, you've got to dent in bottomward the order'. The auto had collapsed off: who can we blame?"

Rankin: "I was appealing aghast with some of the comments. But because I'd aloof appear into the aggregation I acquainted like I couldn't say anything, abnormally adjoin a chief player. If you can't get yourself activity for an Ashes, I'm not absolutely abiding what you can get activity for."

Swann: "I couldn't feel my hand. My time was up. And I was thinking, 'I've had abundant of this. Addition aloof needs to be honest here.'

"It was the affliction affair I'd been complex in aback I abutting the England team."

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Swann's travails connected as the alternation confused to Perth for the third Test, Australia acute aloof one added achievement to win aback the Ashes for the aboriginal time in four years.

Swann: "I approved adage to Cookie, I can't comedy in this game, I can't do it. He phoned me, 'I allegation you in this game. I allegation my chief players.'

"I about played for him in the end, but it affronted out to be the affliction accommodation I could accept made. I got a brace of wickets - authentic luck. There wasn't a brawl I bowled in that bout area I knew what was happening. I was affronted at myself. It was horrible.

"After the aboriginal day I went aback to the hotel. I best up my babyish daughter, and she fell out of my arm. My appropriate arm aloof gave way, and she fell on to the couch. And that was it. If I could accept accomplished mid-game, that would accept been it."

England absent by 150 runs, the alternation gone with it. The afterward day, Swann appear his retirement from all cricket, and arranged his accoutrements for home.

Anderson: "I knew he was unhappy. I didn't realise retirement was on the cards. It was a huge shock to us all."

Panesar: "I would accept admired him to stick around. It would accept been the best thing. But he acquainted that the brawl wasn't advancing out as able-bodied as it should accept done. I didn't see it at all. I anticipation he was still OK.

Swann: "I said to Andy, 'I can't bowl, you allegation to get addition spinner in'. I anticipation I was accomplishing the best by the aggregation aggravating to do that. I was afraid aback Andy said, 'If you don't comedy you accept to go home. You don't accept an option.'

"All the corruption I got was for abrogation the bout midway. With hindsight, I would accept kept quiet. I would accept been abandoned for two games. But afresh the aggregation hasn't got a spinner. I approved to do the appropriate affair and it backfired massively."

Cook, accepting denticulate a celebrated 766 runs in the 2010-11 Ashes alternation in Australia, was authoritative annal of a beneath acceptable attributes - analogous his everyman bout accumulated in Adelaide, and falling for his aboriginal aureate avoid in Test candid at the Waca.

England had still been in every match. Four times the bowlers bargain Australia to 150-5 or worse.

Each time they recovered, usually led by wicketkeeper Brad Haddin. Across the aboriginal four Tests, Australia's aftermost bristles averaged 39.6 runs per wicket. England's aftermost bristles 5.4. Australia's sixth and seventh wickets abandoned were activity forth at 68.9 apiece.

Johnson: "We had a plan to go adamantine at their appendage because they had some acceptable batsmen in theirs."

Swann: "Haddin is the best unsung hero of that series. Mitchell Johnson gets all the credit, but Haddin bailed them out time and time again. Afterwards him, afterwards the big scores, it would accept been a bound series."

Rogers: "Haddin had arguably the best alternation of his life. He came out counter-attacking and played some amazing innings which were acute for us. England still had a acceptable advance but we managed to get abundant runs, and we managed to abrasion them down. Four of those amateur England had their chances, but we managed to win the big moments."

By the end of the alternation the adept babysitter had denticulate 493 runs at an boilerplate of 61. He visibly enjoyed every one of them.

In Perth, Kevin Pietersen had been bent on the long-on abuttals aggravating to hit Nathan Lyon for six, with fielder Ryan Harris accepting aloof been placed there for absolutely that shot.

Going to Melbourne for the fourth Test it meant he had denticulate aloof 165 runs in six innings, with bristles of those dismissals advancing bent bottomward the leg ancillary arena advancing shots.

The end of Pietersen's thrilling, arguable England career was near.

Swann: "Something was up with Kev. He'd chock-full actuality the apologetic Kev aback he was aggravating to be a acceptable team-mate."

Panesar: "Sometimes you attending at fielding positions, and how the aggregation is from the outside. Duncan Fletcher accomplished me to consistently watch players' anatomy language, and I bethink Kevin actuality at accomplished leg a lot, rather than gully or cover, actuality distanced from the aggregation rather than amidst it all. I acquainted he was abroad from the game. He was there with the aggregation but not absolutely there.

"And at that point Alastair Cook bare him to drive it a bit more, for him to booty the action and say, 'I'm the chief amateur in this team, I'm activity to get anybody calm and advance them'. That ambit sometimes gets so far that you can't see anniversary other's cerebration and understanding. Accomplished leg is an archetype of that."

Rankin: "In Alice Springs he had taken a lot of us tailenders to the nets and approved to advice us comedy the abbreviate ball. There were a few occasions aback he approved to canyon on some ability to the adolescent lads. I had no issues with him - I anticipation he was actuality a absolutely acceptable pro."

Swann: "When you attending at it on a allotment of cardboard it looks petty. But aback you're in a aggregation affair and addition is staring out of the window and whistling rather than aggravating to advice the captain and accomplish the aggregation better, it is horrific. "

Panesar: "I would say at that point he was disengaged. But you can appoint him as well. You allegation bodies to say, 'Let's advice him get affianced with the group'. And from the added side, he could say, 'Right, I'm activity to advance this group, I'm activity to accomplish the effort', and aback all the aggregation are afraid by this and they say, I absolutely like this blazon of activity that Kevin is showing.

"To get the best of Kevin, he has to feel allotment of the team. He needs to be accustomed responsibilities, some leadership. He doesn't aloof appetite to be a super-talented cricketer who's larboard alone. He wants bodies advancing to allocution to him about the game.

"He absolutely enjoys that, and I acquainted that allotment was apparently taken abroad from him. He was aloof there as Kevin Pietersen the cricketer, rather than Kevin Pietersen the animal being."

In accident the aboriginal three Tests by a accumulated allowance of 749 runs, England had suffered the best complete of antic defeats.

In actuality thrashed in the fourth at the MCG by eight wickets, beneath than a day afterwards actuality 116 runs advanced with all 10 additional innings wickets in hand, they had accomplished the end.

Rogers: "At 3-0, Trott gone home, Swann retiring, Prior actuality larboard out, you could see that the England guys were shot.

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"After Perth we got appealing aflame that we could actualize our own allotment of history, and that collection us on. And we had been sledged appealing abominably in the antecedent alternation in England, so it was time to accord it back."

Panesar: "We had apparently accustomed up in Sydney. They best three debutants, Boyd Rankin wasn't fit…"

Rankin: "It was catchy for me because I wasn't absolutely fit to play. But I acquainted it ability be my abandoned chance, so I acquainted I had to accord it a go. It was a boxy Test for me, because I came off with ache in my hamstring a brace of times."

In Australia's additional innings, addition achievement appearing inevitable, Rogers denticulate seven runs off a distinct shot. It was as abounding as any of England's top bristles had managed in their absolute aboriginal innings.

Rogers: "Ben Stokes had chased it hard, befuddled it to the keeper, and because my little bow legs were demography a little while to get there, Bairstow aloof threw it at the non-striker's end - and there was no-one abetment up.

"I don't anticipate I'd anytime got a seven in my life. But apparently by that date the auto were advancing off, and things like that alpha to happen, and England were attractive advanced to the flight home and beating their wounds."

Panesar: "I did feel apologetic for Alastair Cook. You're consistently switched on, consistently cerebration about the game, how we're activity to account runs - so aback you appear out to bat, you're already exhausted. You go aback to the dressing-room, you see the aggregation has been absolute away, and you think, this is mentally demography a battering.

"I don't anticipate he got abundant abutment from the chief players - not the akin he was attractive for. He got it maybe from one or two - possibly Jimmy Anderson, Andy Flower. But they were demography a battering as well.

"When the activity drains out of the accomplished accumulation it's actual difficult. You array of think, let's aloof get this over and done with and restart abutting summer."

Australia had abandoned appointed Darren Lehmann at the end of June. England's Andy Flower had been in allegation for three acknowledged Ashes alternation won by a accumulated allowance of 8-2, and as England became the cardinal one ranked Test nation in the world.

It would be Lehmann who concluded the alternation with his acceptability burnished, Flower who would anon footfall down, his appropriate decisions and administration of key players questioned.

Rogers: "Darren was huge in alteration the mentality of the guys. It had been a poor time for Australian candid with what happened in India arch up to the 2013 Ashes and afresh Mickey Arthur actuality sacked. There were a lot of doubts, and it bare addition able who could appear in and accord some direction.

"He gave the guys a lot of acceptance in what they were doing. And the guys knew absolutely what their role was, and they went out and delivered. He's one of the best coaches I've anytime formed under. He has a smile on his face; he tries to admonish you it's aloof a game."

Australia's media dubbed their aggregation 'the Unchangeables' afterwards Lehmann was able to aces the aforementioned XI for anniversary of the bristles Tests.

England, by contrast, went through 18 players - a almanac for an across tour. The Unrecognisables or Unwatchables, depending how atrocious the eyewitness capital to be.

Rankin: "It was a bit aberrant for me with Flower - I didn't absolutely allege to him. I wouldn't say I was afraid of him, but a lot of the adolescent players weren't arena as advisedly as they would accept liked, and it acquainted like there was a lot of astriction whenever he was around.

"It was aberrant for me for a drillmaster of his calibre and what he's done in the bold actuality like that. During that Ashes bout I acquainted absolutely awkward about him. He was austere and he was absolutely austere all the time."

Johnson: "Lehmann played a massive part. He came in at a time aback the aggregation was in a bad abode and affronted it about absolutely quickly.

"He capital us to comedy our accustomed amateur at a time aback we hadn't been adequate our cricket. He afflicted the bathrobe allowance atmosphere, and accepting played for Australia himself, he knew what it was all about."

Johnson had abandoned been called for Australia's antecedent Ashes band because of abrasion to adolescent accoutrements like James Pattinson, Mitchell Starc and Pat Cummins.

He would end that Ashes with 37 wickets at an boilerplate of 13.9, his connected atramentous beard added abacus to the faculty that Dennis Lillee had been reborn. There has hardly been sweeter antic animus taken.

Johnson: "I wasn't activity to abound the moustache. Afresh my wife said, 'It's for charity, it's not hard, do it for a month'.

"When November was up, the boys said that I couldn't barber it: 'It defines who you are appropriate now.'

"They were appealing agitated aback I had it shaved. But we awash the ashes of the mo. We put the beard in an urn, and addition got it for two or three grand."

Rogers: "I did accept to face him in the nets, and it was no fun. He would be activity at 80%, and that was adamantine enough. And that summer he bowled as able-bodied as I've anytime apparent anyone bowl. He fabricated the English batsmen attending additional rate. I was animated I was on his side."

Rankin: "We spent a lot of time in the nets aggravating to action Johnson. I bethink a brace of sessions area we actually spent the accomplished time with the dog sticks, bowling bouncer afterwards bouncer. But it's never activity to be the aforementioned as in a bout situation."

Rogers: "He had had some amazing moments and some analogously amazing lows, so I anticipate he was a little bit blah by those experiences. To see it all appear calm for him - and he was adequate himself - was wonderful. Once he got a cycle on, the England players were about a bit scarred."

Johnson: "When you're on top of your bold like that it feels appealing blood-soaked good. It feels like you're floating. In your run-up, you apperceive what brawl you appetite to bowl, area you appetite to basin it. You don't feel like you can basin a bad ball, or do annihilation wrong. It's what you comedy the bold for."

Panesar: "Fear? There was absolutely fear. It's like a battle bout aback every annular in the arena you're accepting pounded."

Jonny Bairstow, England wicketkeeper: "He wasn't abandoned the man of the series. He was the series.

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"He bowled ridiculously well. You allege to bodies that accept faced spells of fast bowling in altered affairs on altered pitches, whether that's Shoaib Akhtar or Brett Lee or whoever you appetite to choose, about the fastest bowler they anytime faced. In that series, I can durably say, for the majority of our side, Johnson bowled the fastest that any batsman had faced to date."

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