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Every week, Mallory Ortberg answers added questions from readers, aloof for Slate Plus members.
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Q. Are wet dreams a red flag?: I accept been dating a abundant guy for a brace months, but it seems like already or alert a anniversary he gets up because he had a wet dream. He said this is normal, but I can’t advice to feel affected about not actuality abundant for him.
We accept talked about it, and he says I am accomplishing great, but afresh I absolutely pumped him dry and was still jarred alive at 5:30 a.m. by him accepting to get out of bed and apple-pie up. I am at my wits’ end and anticipate there charge be article added than meets the eye in this. Am I crazy? Should I accord him the account of the agnosticism and try harder? Or is this aloof normal?
A: I mean, is your ambition that this guy be absolutely semenless 24/7? Because that is able-bodied aloft and above the alarm of accord duty.
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Don’t accomplish this trickier than it needs to be. Your admirer says he’s happy; you two are accepting approved sex; and sometimes aback he is unconscious, he involuntarily ejaculates. It’s not exceptional of for adults, alike sexually alive ones, to still acquaintance the casual wet dream. He’s not locking himself in the bath and alienated your touch. This has annihilation to do with you.
I’m abashed if you “try harder” afterwards “pumping him dry,” one or both of you will acquaintance a baleful case of chafing. You’re accomplishing great! Your admirer is accomplishing great! Everything is fine. Next time you deathwatch up because he’s accepting up to change clothes in the average of the night, aloof go aback to sleep.
Q. How can I admonish a acquaintance on manners/appearance afterwards affliction them?: I’m a gay man whose acceptable acquaintance “Jen” is awfully single. Guys she meets online become aloof afterwards the aboriginal meeting, and she finds it abstract and hurtful.
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Jen’s a lovely, able woman in her mid-30s—intelligent, creative, thoughtful, sweet. But I doubtable that some apparent attributes may be interfering with aboriginal impressions. For example, Jen has agitation actuality calm about strangers, authoritative odd jokes and bedlam audibly at awe-inspiring times (she never acts this way aback it’s aloof us). She eats with her fingers, talks with her aperture full, and smacks as she chews. She needs braces and could use a allegorical duke in how she dresses, does her hair, etc.
I anticipate Jen is beautiful, central and out, and these qualities accept never impacted our friendship. That said, afterwards years of audition her complaining about rarely accepting to a additional date—and belief about actuality larboard out of amusing gatherings at work—I’m tempted to accomplish some affable suggestions. I’m additionally abashed this would abase her.
I’ve never been the “queer eye” to any of my friends; I’m aloof not that stereotype. But Jen could accomplish simple changes that could advance the perceptions of bodies affair her for the aboriginal time. What does a abutting acquaintance do here? Is it accessible to point these things out afterwards harming our friendship?
["1045.66"]A: If Jen frequently complains about her disability to get a additional date, and you accept advice that ability advice her, about easy-to-change behaviors, I anticipate you should go advanced and acclaim point them out. I’d acclaim abrogation the braces-and-new-wardrobe chat out, aback that’s absolutely a amount of abstract taste, but the blowzy bistro and talking with her aperture abounding are accessible to fix and accept apparently put off a lot of aboriginal dates.
Tell her you’ve heard her allocution about how balked she’s become over not accepting a additional date, and ask if you can allotment article you anticipate ability help. If she seems receptive, proceed; if not, aback off. Be gentle, but not so affable that you acquisition yourself not adage annihilation at all: “I’ve noticed that aback you eat, you generally allege with your aperture full, bite loudly, or aces up your aliment with your fingers in means that are apparent and distracting. I anticipate it would absolutely advice accomplish a bigger aboriginal consequence if you slowed bottomward and fabricated abiding not to allege aback you eat.”
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