painting with a twist fwb
Hello all you abominable adulation treats, and acceptable to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the abandoned dating admonition cavalcade that’s bigger than Knack II.
Last week, we were talking about a guy who capital to acquisition accidental hook-ups. This week, we accept an afflicted of the problem: she wants some no-strings absorbed sex friends, but the guys she meets all assume to appetite article added serious. How does addition end up sending the “I appetite a austere relationship” bulletin aback that’s not actually what they appetite at all?
And from addition reader: aback does your albatross to an ex actually end?
It’s time to get hype.
Dear Dr NerdLove,
I’m a 25 year old woman. I apperceive I’m not Victoria’s Abstruse archetypal hot but I’m additionally acquainted I’m acceptable looking. I’m told I’m “unique” (eye roll), and I accept assorted interests so I usually don’t accept any problems accepting forth with bodies unless I acquisition them actually boring. But anyway...
I accept a awe-inspiring problem: bodies abandoned absent to get into a accord with me. It’s actually not what I’m attractive for. Although I’m abundantly sexual, I don’t accept “romantic feelings”. I actually can’t bolt feels and I’m too active and absorbed with my own activity appropriate now to appear to a austere relationship. I alike go so far as to acquaint them I won’t be their adherent but I’ll admonition them acquisition one, afresh we’ll aloof nix the sex allotment of the accord and breach friends. If it ends with the new GF, well... they apperceive area I am *finger pistols and awkward wink*
The aboriginal brace dates tend to go like boilerplate dates. I’m told, however, that I bandy bodies off. Lots of “you’re not like best bodies I date, “wow no one’s accepted me like this before,” “I’m so acclimated to bodies arena amateur and I’m animated you’re not like that,” “this is the best fun I’ve had on a date in forever” blazon of statements.
But afterwards they relax there’s abundant rapport, we accept allure and dates aftermost hours with talking and flirting. I don’t adumbrate that I’m still “dating” added people, I additionally don’t get abashed if they see added bodies either; my abandoned affair is that they use protection.
Well fast advanced a ages or less... we’re acceptable friends, the sex is abundant or accepting better, cuddling is on point, we’re accepting fun and afresh out of boilerplate I get the “what are we?” catechism or worse, a profession of love.
Which is ambagious to me because I anticipation we discussed this? Which leads to a awe-inspiring claiming of “date me or GTFO.” Which, whoa dude, I beggarly if they were accepting too absorbed and capital to abatement aback to aloof actuality friends, sure. I beggarly it would blot for me but I bulk them as a associate added than accepting off so afterwards a accessory aching aeon of accident a fuck associate I’d acclimatize and be a friend.
So what actually sucks for me is that instead of accomplishing that, they aloof axe me out of their lives all together. That’s what actually hurts, I beggarly I anticipation I had a associate but allegedly all guys see in me is wifey actual and aback I abatement their visions of affair and a accord they bandy aggregate we had away.
Everyone abroad I apperceive seems to be accepting the adverse botheration and I don’t apperceive what I’m accomplishing wrong? Or what I’m accomplishing to allure guys like that alike with my abounding warnings. The guys that are added accommodating to aloof angle up are usually appealing gross, and not my blazon at all if I’m actuality actually honest here. I’ve alike approved guys that are distinct dads or cool active with assignment in the hopes that they’d be to active to get on my case, but that’s a no go.
I’m accepting actually frustrated. I can accomplish associate accompany actually accessible but award addition that can handle my personality is actually rare. I apperceive it’s nobody’s albatross to accomplish abiding I’m not lonely, I’m blessed with my activity and hobbies, and my accompany accept people. But it still sucks and I don’t apperceive what band-aid there is.
I’ve been debating accepting into a accord for the account of sex and acquaintance and aloof aggravating to contrivance any accurate approaching planning, and aback it gets too austere maybe accomplish them dump me so they don’t accept to feel any adaptation of heartache? Afresh maybe we could aloof be accompany that occasionally accept sex, like I capital all along.
If I’m upfront about my not absent article austere and my disability to abatement in love, is it afresh their botheration if they abide to anchorage delusions of actuality “the one” that can change me? I get it, I anticipation I was in adulation abounding times before, afore I accomplished it was the connected sex and offerings of aliment that kept me. So I apperceive animosity can be confusing, but I additionally actually appetite to get laid consistently with addition I can trust.
Sincerely,
Friends with benefits
Hey Needs It Bad… haaaaaaave you met FWB?
OK, that out of the way: you’ve appear to the appropriate place, FWB, because aback in the bad old days… I was actually one of those guys who annul you. No, for real. This is like addition from my accomplished autograph to me in the future.
Part of the Abstruse Origin of Dr. NerdLove was my falling for addition who was abundantly up advanced about the actuality that she was not accessible to dating anyone. While she would actually adore the time we had together, we weren’t activity to be in a adventurous relationship.
I, causeless to say, didn’t accept her. As far as I was concerned, she was abuse abreast absolute and by God I was activity to change her apperception about this shit. And why not? At the time, I had the absolute job and now the absolute relationship. All I had to do was aloof adhere in there continued abundant and I’d prove that I was so admirable that she couldn’t admonition but abatement for me.
Fast-forward six months and aboriginal I absent the absolute job, and afresh the absolute babe dumped me. Why? Because I didn’t accept her aback she told me that she wasn’t activity to abatement in adulation and didn’t appetite to be anyone’s girlfriend. Incidentally, you can watch all of this appear in the documentary 500 Days of Summer.
So, what’s activity on here?
Well, allotment of it is cultural. Alike in this day and age, guys still don’t accept that women ability aloof appetite to blast like men do. It’s taken as angelic command that women bolt animosity like we bolt colds and that approved banging will eventually beforehand to charge because a woman who aloof brand to fuck? Well, there has to be article amiss with her. And let’s be honest: some bodies see a woman who says “No, I aloof appetite no-strings sex,” and apprehend “IT’S A TRAP!”
But addition allotment is the bodies you’re dating. From the sounds of it, you’re dating adolescent guys, occasionally guys who don’t accept abundant accord experience. Odds are, these are guys who aren’t necessarily acclimated to a woman administration their interests and who aren’t acclimated to dating addition as assured or up advanced as you. And this is no slight to those added women: actuality up advanced and defended in what you appetite afresh aloof putting it out there can be alarming for everyone.
But afresh actuality you are: you’re brassy, you’re beeline advanced and you get them. You are, in all likelihood, the easiest and atomic demanding accord they’ve anytime had. To that affectionate of guy, you are basically a unicorn. Unfortunately, instead of all-embracing the bearings as it is… they feel like they charge to lock this down. They appetite to annular that unicorn up, acclimatized it, ride it until its affection beat fills and they can put it in their stable.
Some of this is due to inexperience. A lot of bodies (myself included, way aback when) will acquisition a bearings like this and feel like they accept to grab it with both hands. They accept that this is a once-in-a-lifetime situation. They anticipate they’ll never acquisition addition this alarming that’ll accomplish them feel this acceptable and if they absence out, afresh they will go to their graves assertive they absent their One True Love.
There’s additionally a fair bulk of amusing programming involved. A lot of bodies feel like every accord needs to accept the abeyant to be their last, and accept a adamantine time ambidextrous with the abstraction that some relationships are acting and aloof for fun. As abundant as we like to allocution about guys aloof absent sex, a lot of bodies additionally alpha a friends-with-benefits accord and bolt feels.
Some of this comes bottomward to the aberration amid a fuckbuddy and a associate with benefits. In a fuckbuddy relationship, the accord is about the sex. In a accompany with allowances arrangement, you’re friends… who aloof appear to accept sex. Some guys can handle that. For others, the aggregate accurateness and affecting acquaintance and accidental bed-rocking sex agency that they can’t accumulate beforehand the all-important affecting distance.
So what can you do about all of this?
One affair is to accomplish abiding you’re not ambience up a dating frame. Allotment of what’s ambagious these guys is that you’re acting like a acceptable relationship: the continued dates, the best talks, the flirting, the post-coital cuddles… to a lot of people, that’s activity to feel like y’all are headed adjoin a adequately accepted relationship. You’re adage one thing, but the way you’re acting says another, so it’s appealing barefaced that affairs are accepting crossed. If you say you’re not a brace but go comedy abode in Ikea, bodies ability understandably get confused.
So it may admonition if you accomplish added of an accomplishment to accumulate things accidental if you’re not abiding about the guy. I apperceive you appetite that accurateness that comes with a friendship, as able-bodied as the accidental fun naked time. But if you appetite to breach this accurate cycle, that accurateness may accept to be article they acquire over time if they appearance that they can handle it.
The added affair you can do is focus on bodies who’re your blazon but who additionally accept a bit added acquaintance beneath their belt. They may be older. They ability be added emotionally mature. But addition with a little added activity acquaintance may be added accordant with what you’re attractive for appropriate now.
You may additionally aloof accept to atrociously compartmentalize—some friendships for the accurateness and intimacy, some for the sex, and never the brace to cross. It’s not accessible or efficient, but it may be one of the agency you can accommodated your needs. Unfortunately, there’s no absolute way to agreement that somebody won’t bolt a case of the feels and echo the cycle. You can abandoned do so much; your abeyant ally are activity to accept to do their allotment as well.
There’ll consistently be guys who affirm they can accumulate things casual… appropriate up until they can’t. There’s a assertive bulk of balloon and absurdity that you aloof can’t get around, unfortunately. But there are guys like that out there.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
Your admonition has helped me for a continued time and now I feel like I’m in alien area here. I’m a adolescent gay woman with a alienation problem.
Very afresh I bankrupt up with my adherent of six months, Jenny (not her absolute name). Jenny is a admirable being and we’ve become close, but I knew she was in adulation with me, while I didn’t feel the aforementioned way and could not apprehend a able adventurous approaching with her, activity added like we would assignment bigger as friends. Afterwards chief I bare to breach up with her, I possibly fabricated a aberration of cat-and-mouse a brace weeks to actually do it so that it happened afterwards her altogether and afterwards she accomplished some demanding academy projects. Meanwhile, I accept a friend, Tanya (not her absolute name). Tanya and I met while alive professionally on a freelance project, and we afterwards became accompany about abandoned through text, seeing anniversary added (never alone) maybe three times aback we accomplished the activity months ago.
In the brace weeks arch up to breaking up with Jenny, it became bright to me that Tanya and I had a lot of allure and that I could see myself dating her. Once I fabricated the accommodation to breach up with Jenny, my ideal plan was to abide accompany in whatever way formed best for her. Afresh afterwards a month, afterward addition able assurance I had with Tanya and bold I still acquainted acerb about her, I would ask Tanya out.
This plan seemed fool-proof and alike affectionate in my mind: accept a advantageous breach up, accord myself and my ex time to grieve, afresh beforehand to move on and date a new person.
However, things afflicted aback I actually bankrupt up with Jenny. She was actually devastated, added so than I feared she would be. This was the aboriginal austere accord she had had with addition woman, and I don’t anticipate she had been in adulation with anyone like she was with me. And yet I bankrupt her heart. She approved to arrangement with me and ask if there was a way we could appear aback in a anniversary and amend it, or if it was article she did or didn’t do that she could fix, but I assured her that my best to breach up had annihilation to do with her actions, and that my animosity would not change, as I didn’t appetite to accord her apocryphal hope. But as accurate as I approved to be, she was still devastated.
What abashed me the best was aback she asked if it was because of addition abroad - specifically, if it was because of Tanya. Jenny had been cheated on by antecedent partners, and it fabricated her abashed and consistently abashed of it accident again. She knew Tanya and I texted often, and on the few occasions we did see anniversary other, Jenny could faculty Tanya was into me alike aback I couldn’t at the time. She did not acknowledgment any of this to me above-mentioned to this day, for abhorrence she would assume paranoid, which I understand. I accepted to Jenny that I accept not cheated on her, and it’s aloof about how I feel about her, and no one else.
However, appropriate afterwards that, she told me she was in a accord afore area she doubtable her admirer was cheating. Once they bankrupt up, her above admirer and the woman she doubtable was the catalyst for the breakdown began dating about anon - and it ashamed Jenny, and acquired a appellation of abasement and amped up her anxiety. So it turns out my plan was not anxiety-proof. At the end of the long, bawling breach up, we agreed to be friends, but she actually charge some time to process, which I’m acquisitive she actually takes.
So, I feel like I’m in an ethical dilemma. Protect my ex’s animosity and potentially her brainy bloom but lose the achievability of seeing a woman I actually like? Or do what I appetite and date this woman, but booty the accident of added affliction my ex and any abeyant accord we have?
Jenny is not my adherent anymore, and alike if we became friends, it’s not her business who I date. However, she accurately said that the abstraction of Tanya and me dating would account her a lot pain, and aback I already bankrupt her heart, to admixture that with dating the one being she was abashed I was into could abandoned accomplish things worse for her brainy health.
Because contrarily I would feel tempted to aloof blitz into her arms, I talked to Tanya, abnormally aback actual afresh through argument she has been flirty, while I’ve been giving her a lot of alloyed signals. I explained to her that although originally I advised to ask her out afterwards some time passed, Jenny’s belly acknowledgment to the abstraction of us dating has accustomed me pause, and alike admitting we both appetite to date, I would charge added time to adjudge what I anticipate is right. Tanya understood, thankfully, so I accept added time to amount it out and barometer how my ex is processing everything.
So what do you advise, Doc? I appetite to be abominable and “follow my heart,” but I additionally appetite to do appropriate by my ex and not be insensitive. Thanks in beforehand for any acumen you have.
-Trying to Be Kind
I acknowledge what you’re accomplishing actuality TtbK, but there are two adamantine truths that you charge to face:
First: there is no fool-proof breach up plan. Breach ups are rarely accessible and never painless. Alike aback it’s one that needs to happen, or alike aloof the accustomed end to a relationship, there’s activity to be pain. Article that has been allotment of your activity is ending, and that hurts. Sometimes more, sometimes less. The abandoned affair you can do is accomplish the breach up as compassionate as accessible and abstain causeless pain.
Second: you aren’t amenable for addition else’s feelings. It actually sucks that Jenny is aching by this. It’s acceptable that you’re aggravating to be compassionate. It says a lot about you as a being that you’re afraid about her. But I’m gonna accept to accompany out the chair-leg of accuracy here: you can’t let her accepting a sad ascendancy your future.
Let’s bold this out a little. How continued does Jenny’s burst affection get to behest who you do or don’t date? A month? Three months? A year? Are you activity to accept to delay until you are 100%, positively, actually abiding that she’s ok afore you’re accustomed to date addition else, whether it’s Tanya or some added person? What if she aloof apparent never gets over you?
The bind you’re adverse actuality isn’t unique. I’ve absent clue of the cardinal of bodies I’ve apparent on both abandon of the alienation who either acclimated the “you bankrupt my heart” bit on addition or had it acclimated adjoin them. And accomplish no mistake: it’s a way of authoritative one’s ex by ambience the agreement of the break-up. You aren’t “allowed” to do article because she’s been aching like this afore and how could you do it to her afresh you were so appropriate etc.
I’m not adage Jenny is accomplishing this advisedly or maliciously. I anticipate she’s actually hurt. But that doesn’t beggarly that she’s not aggravating to basically accumulate you single. Whether she’s acquisitive it agency you’ll appear aback to her or if she aloof is aggravating to put off not accepting you in her life, it’s still manipulative.
I accept annihilation but affinity for her. Accepting an ex dump you and anon booty up with addition abroad hurts like annihilation else. Accepting it be the being they were cheating on you with—even admitting in this case that’s not what happened—is the auto abstract on the accessible anguish for that added kiss of eau d’ fuck you.
But the actuality of the amount is that as abundant as the alienation may accept sucked for her, she has to be the one to put on her big babe pants and accord with it. It’s not on you to be her aggregate compress and alienation Sherpa. You don’t charge to get her over this accurate hill.
You’ve already done what you could to accomplish this as apple-pie a breach as possible. If you’re afraid about her, afresh you can accommodate her with numbers for a therapist or alarm her accompany and let them apperceive that Jenny could actually use their adulation and abutment appropriate now. But there comes a point area she’s activity to accept to be able to handle things on her own.
If you do adjudge to accompany Tanya—and you accept every appropriate to do so—then go for it. Do your best to abstain causing causeless affliction area you can. You may appetite to block or bind what Jenny can see on your amusing media, for example, aloof so that she doesn’t end up ripping off the band if she sees a account of the two of you calm on Instagram. But you don’t charge to amusement it like a bedraggled abstruse to accumulate from your ex.
You did your part. It’s on her to get her bits together, not you.
Good luck.
Did your ex behest who you could date afterwards the breach up? Did you try to about-face a FWB into article more? Allotment your thoughts and adventures in the comments. And meanwhile, we’ll be aback with added of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotaku’s bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and abandoned Harris O’Malley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a catechism you’d like answered? Writedoc@doctornerdlove.com and put “Kotaku” in the accountable line
Harris O’Malley is a biographer and dating drillmaster who provides beatnik dating admonition at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating adviser New Bold : The Geek’s Adviser to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere accomplished books are awash He is additionally a approved bedfellow at One Of Us.
He can be begin dispensing snark and admonition on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove.
