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When Christina Feldman and her brother Michael were baby children, they grew acclimatized to the abnormal way their father, Bernie Feldman, said farewell. Always, while bottomward them at academy or bouncing as they ran off to play, he would alarm out to them:
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“Goodbye. Remember. Choose to be happy!”
Christina and Michael, now both in their 20s, laughed aftermost anniversary at the memory, from the dining allowance table of their Syracuse home. Choose to be happy? Aback they were little, it seemed like addition cool and alluring affection of the bookish dad they alleged “The Bernopedia.”
As the years went by, brother and sister came to a harder understanding: Their ancestor was allegorical them adjoin the aforementioned best he had to accomplish himself.
Within the Feldman household, they see no added shelter. In a ancestors that by all rights should be six, a ancestors that has faced what seems like about a biblical trial, bisected those seats are abandoned now at the table.
“You apprehend this adventure and you ask: How abundant added can one ancestors take?” said Mary Lanno, a longtime friend.
Bernie, 65, is a built-in of Akron. His father, Bernard, formed at the aloft Westinghouse bulb in Cheektowaga and ran a baby acreage with Bernie’s mother, Henrietta. As a child, Bernie begin a affection in caring for animals. He abounding SUNY Geneseo State College. He absitively to accompany a career in zoology.
In 1984, Bernie and his wife Nancy were active in Kansas - area Bernie was a birdkeeper at the Topeka Zoo - aback they abstruse their 3-year-old babe Laura had leukemia.
It was, as Bernie put it, the aboriginal “lightning bolt.” For four years, their adolescent endured aching treatments meant to cycle aback the disease. Bernie and Nancy depended on anniversary added for strength. Their babe went through a cartilage basal transplant. It didn’t take.
Laura died in 1988. By that time, the Feldmans had confused to Syracuse, area Bernie accustomed a job at the Onondaga County Zoo at Burnet Park. In the accident of a child, Bernie artificial a creed: Choose to be happy. He and Nancy were adopting two baby daughters, Sarah and Christina. Bernie would sometimes accompany home adolescent animals – a reindeer, he recalls, or a tiny bighorn sheep – that bare brief affliction from the zoo staff.
Christina, now a 29-year-old schoolteacher, remembers those canicule with awe. It was a bewitched time. The continuance was too short.
In 1991, Christina’s parents noticed aphotic bruises on the child’s arms. That affected off a abysmal fear. The Feldmans brought their babe to a doctor.
Leukemia.
A aberration incident, the doctors said. There was no abiogenetic tie amid Christina’s action and Laura’s death. Christina would go through bristles years of acute treatment, through all the ports and tubes and injections. Her parents, again, were consistently there to abundance her.
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The Feldmans are adherent Catholics. Afterwards anniversary session, Christina’s mother and ancestor would drive her to the Catholic Shop in Syracuse to buy a medal. She would booty her time in allotment one. It was a reward, one baby amusement afterwards all the pain.
A day came aback the doctors told the Feldmans: Your babe is in absolution for life.
Choose to be happy. Christina abstruse the code. Addition child, Michael, was built-in in 1992. The Feldmans became accessories in the Strathmore adjacency of Syracuse. They admired their parish, Best Holy Rosary. Ancestor and son aggregate a affection for Little League baseball. Bernie and Michael generally played bolt in adjacent Onondaga Park.
What they had suffered alone fabricated what they had all the added precious. Nancy ran a baby adolescent affliction business, from their home. The three actual Feldman accouchement grew into adults. Sarah gave bearing to the aboriginal grandchild, Elizabeth. On a winter’s day in 2011, Sarah, 27, mentioned to her ancestors that she had a acrimonious cold.
She took some over-the-counter algid medicine. The doctors would afterwards say that it affected off a acknowledgment with decree medications. She went to sleep, a nap to agitate off a simple bug.
Sarah never woke up.
It was addition absurd blow. “Like falling off a bluff and hitting adamantine at bottom,” Christina said. The Feldmans, again, did their best to regroup. Nancy was the rock, the center. She accomplished her accouchement that addition consistently had it worse. Aback Christina would ask “Why us?” about ancestors loss, Nancy would say: “Why not us? Why should adamantine things appear to addition else?”
As for Bernie, he told accompany his activity was a three-legged stool: There was his faith, his ancestors and his friends.
“Take one away,” he’d say, “and you’re activity to fall.”
That aesthetics is up adjoin the best acute of tests. A year ago, Nancy acquainted acute affliction in her side. She put off accepting it checked, cogent herself the ache wouldn’t last. Once she gave in, the doctors ran some tests. She had colon cancer. Nancy, 57, had rarely been ill.
The news, Bernie said, acquainted like “someone alone a bomb into my lap.”
The ache confused quickly. The Feldmans absent Nancy in October. She never complained, never showed abhorrence to Bernie or her children. A few weeks afterwards her death, Bernie’s mother – a added - had a massive stroke. Henrietta Feldman died in December in Corfu, abreast Akron.
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The ancestors knew aloof one response: It rallied again. “I’m consistently afraid at their backbone and abundant faith,” said Lanno, a abutting acquaintance of Nancy’s aback the backward 1980s. Their accouchement went to academy together. Lanno generally helped out by caring for Sarah Feldman while Laura was actuality advised for leukemia.
Losing one adolescent would be unbearable, Lanno said. But to bear so abundant pain, and to absorb the affectionate of antithesis her accompany appearance every day?
The Feldmans say there is no added way. “My kids are active the calmness prayer,” Bernie said. “They accept - to a point - there are things you can control, and things you can’t.”
Christina and her husband, D.J. Wiegand, alive with Bernie and Michael at the ancestors home in Syracuse. The Wiegands accept a 2-year-old, Danny. At Christmas, the Feldmans went out and got a tree. Danny’s action fabricated the holiday.
“He’s sunshine,” Christina said of her little one, whose blitheness is a connected antidote as he thunders through the house.
Yet Christina has abstruse one thing: “Never say it can’t get worse,” she said.
At 23, Michael, the youngest, works for Onondaga County. He was consistently a strapping, advantageous guy. In January, he noticed he couldn’t get rid of a cough. A few of his accompany told him he apparently had bronchitis. Aloof a bug, Michael figured. Still, he went to see a doctor, who ordered some tests. A day or two later, Michael got the call:
He had a accumulation in his chest, aloof aloft his heart.
At first, Michael told no one in the ancestors except his brother-in-law, D.J. He banned to accept it. But the tests came aback with this result: They showed the accumulation to be a tumor. The blight was centered in the thymus, a baby agency in the breastbone. It had advance into Michael’s spine, authoritative it date four.
The Feldmans accept all too abundant acquaintance in the best way to react. Michael generally campaign to New York City for consultations at Memorial Sloan Kettering Blight Center. He’s gone through radiation and is now accepting chemotherapy in Syracuse. The ambition is to compress the capital bump to a point area it can be removed, surgically.
Michael has baldheaded his head. No big deal, he said. He’d about do it anyway, every spring, as allotment of the St. Baldrick’s accomplishment to accession money for analysis into adolescence cancer. Aftermost week, at the kitchen table, Michael and Christina compared anchorage scars, created decades apart. In their home, you feel no black or despair. Michael sees no point in it.
The doctors acquaint Michael there is a path, a way adjoin active with this cancer. He hangs assimilate his faith. He turns to his accompany for support. He loves walking through backcountry parks in Onondaga County, because attributes is his therapy, his escape. As for sports, accurate to Bernie’s Western New York roots, Michael and his ancestors embrace the Bills. They are additionally Mets admirers who put a aggregation cap in Nancy’s casket.
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Sit with the Feldmans and you realize: Somehow, they acquisition joy. Christina tries to accept the role she feels Nancy would accept played. She tries to assure her brother, through arduous concern. Michael remembered one day, afterwards chemotherapy, aback he was in bed, nauseous, coiled up below the covers. Christina came in and said: How are you feeling?
He told the tale. They looked at anniversary other. They access into laughter.
Their parish, their community, is ambulatory about them. The trips to Sloan Kettering are costly. Accompany accept started a GoFundMe annual and a Facebook folio for Michael, and there is a May 21 account at Best Holy Rosary in Syracuse. As for Bernie, his thoughts consistently acknowledgment to account for his son.
“We’ll never apperceive how abundant affliction he’s enduring,” Bernie said. “He chooses not to allege of it.”
Bernie has asked the doctors all the questions you’d expect. They acquaint him there is no ecology or abiogenetic agency to affix aggregate his ancestors has gone through. In Bernie’s words, it begins with a lightning bolt. And another. And another.
For added than 30 years, Bernie has watched his accouchement cope with doubtful hurt. He has absent two daughters and both his parents. He feels the absence of his wife in every bend of the house.
He is assertive Nancy is there, alms her help. He will abutting his eyes aback he cannot acquisition a affable additive or some added little item, aback some baby botheration aback makes the accomplished affliction assume overwhelming, and he will ask her for help.
The moment passes. He’ll feel calm, again he’ll go to a drawer or a cabinet: Of course. There it is.
“So abounding times, if you’re quiet and affectionate of still, we aloof feel mom all around,” Christina said.
She and Michael, at the table aftermost week, acclaim teased their dad. They explained the authoritative of “Bernopedia.” From their ancient memories, Bernie consistently had the acknowledgment for everything. They’d airing in a park, and he’d explain why copse charge case to assure themselves. If they were puzzled by some chat they’d never heard, he could explain the roots, the origins.
One question, aloft all else, cries out for an answer: Why should one ancestors accept so abundant grief? Bernie doesn’t accept he’ll break that abstruseness in this world. His acknowledgment to his children, instead, is that aforementioned philosophy:
Choose to be happy.
It is the way he pursues life, and the way he says goodbye.
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