BOOK REVIEW: What if I Tell? by Gina McCabe

What if I Tell? Author: Gina McCabe Publisher: Winding Road Books (March 20, 2008) ISBN-10: 0981513905 ISBN-13: 978-0981513904

What If I Tell? is a woman's memoir written to help others prevent and treat child abuse.

Going into this book, I had an inkling of what to expect from the summary I was sent prior to receiving the book as well as the title with the picture of the little girl gave me the sense of what it was about. I knew it was going to have something to do with child molestation... sexual abuse.  What I didn't expect was for it to help me understand what I have been going through for the last 32 years almost 33 years..

You see, I am a victim of child abuse (physical, mental and yes sexual). I was molested by three close family members from the age of about 7 to 9. I can remember being scared, feeling dirty, etc.  I struggle with nightmares. My sister used to tell me I kicked a lot in my sleep when I would stay over at her apartment. Now I know why... I was kicking in my sleep trying to get away. I slept with my head under the cover with just a small section for my nose to stick out so I could breathe... all in an effort to hide myself. 

This is so very hard to type right now. I am on the verge of tears and I have never revealed this much about myself to anyone outside of my family. I hinted at some of this in a previous book review I wrote but I've never shared details as above, just in general. My sister knows and it's not talked about. I told her of an incident that happened when I was 12 while talking with her on the phone a few years ago and she thumped on the floor as things came rushing back to her... something similar had happened to her by the same family member. I had talked with my mother when I was 12 about and she blew me off like I was lying. I believe she knew more than she let on or cared to know. I try to keep my eyes on my children at all times when we are around these family members.

I never had thought about how  things such as this really effected my life. After reading this book, I can understand now my mood swings, etc. Like the author I couldn't sleep with the light off for a long time, it still bothers me at times.

I want to thank Gina McCabe for poignantly writing this book about her life as it has helped me more than she may never know. I'm going to sit down with my husband and talk with him about this as well. He knows but I don't think he fully understands the impact this has had on my life.

Mrs. McCabe went as far as writing a chapter in her book that is for spouses, etc. of women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I'm going to give the book to my husband to read.

It's only by the grace of God that I am where I am now though as I've been where the author has been with thoughts she had of wanting to die (not so much suicidal as in just wanting it all to end... the nightmares, etc.). I can only forgive those that hurt me and go on but I can't change what happened. I know people say to forgive and forget but it's something I live with daily and forgetting is hard to do. I can only ask God for His help.    I may never be able to forget, but I can't let it drag me down.

I applaud her for sharing her story and I hope that it helps others.

I give this book 5 stars!

 

More About the Book:

What If I Tell is McCabe's story of a woman who, in her mid-thirties, realizes that she is unable to enjoy life despite having achieved her every definition of success. Unsure of the cause of this new and overwhelming unhappiness, she blames everything from her husband to her workaholic ways. On the brink of a failed marriage, discovering deep self-hatred and overwhelming stress, she turns to therapy and writing to understand. Her account takes readers through her denial, confusion, anger, depression, and finally to clarity around her unwillingness to deal with the after-effects of childhood trauma. She realizes that her past is more than just something she wants to deny, and she begins to understand how it has shaped her whole life... her choices, behavior, thinking and feelings. After thirty years of silence, she finds the courage to tackle a lifelong question that she would never before even consider: What if I tell?

Ms. McCabe's goal in writing this book is to raise awareness and help others recognize the value of working through their own buried issues. In the book, McCabe begins the lifelong process of dealing with OCD, PTSD, and anxiety and confronting, for the first time, the monsters responsible for her abundance of material success -- and crippling self-hatred. As she states in the book, "Everybody has monsters in their basement. That's what Dr. Young says. You have to invite the monsters up to your living room once in a while, and let them spend time with you."

 

About The Author:

Over a period of ten years, Gina McCabe, author of  What If I Tell, worked her way from bartender to professional firefighter, small business owner and - eventually - to Vice President of a Northern Virginia based consulting firm.  With a graduate degree from UVA's McIntire School of Commerce, a soaring career as a trusted IT advisor to Fortune 500 executives, and a loving marriage, friends and family, she had everything a woman in her mid-thirties could want. But as soon as she slowed down to enjoy life, she found herself anxious, angry and utterly dissatisfied. Exploring her workaholic ways and negative thinking patterns through therapy, McCabe discovered the delayed after-effects so common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse.